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Words by Bark

Writing by TwilightPoetess


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Submitted on
March 18, 2013
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360
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24 (who?)
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38

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:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2013   Writer
Again, I'm almost at a loss to find fault in this poem. My only suggestion is to change 'a participant lacking' to 'a lacking participant' because I was kind of waiting for what the participant was lacking, but then I realize that the person, itself, was just lacking. It seems to make a bit more sense to me to word it the way I suggested, however, if the way it is written now is the best according you to, then that's fine, too! It is your poem after all and not mine. 

I think it's really interesting how you wrote, "The week slips hard," because of the (contradicting?) kinds of imagery in that line and the next one, as well. The whole stanza makes me think of, "well, this week was horrible but it isn't anyone's fault - i chose not to make it better, i guess." That kind of tone sticks throughout the rest of the poem, and I really admire that! It has a lovely touch and really works with the title (it makes me think of a weekend ending on a somber note). 

The last stanza is the most interesting to me - it paints the most vivid picture and is the strongest stanza in the poem, in my opinion. I enjoy the build-up of strength in this poem because it's oddly hypnotic. What a lovely read. 
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks very much for the suggestion. You read into the phrase correctly, but we felt it worked best with that wording. Who knows. It just seemed to also work better sound-wise and tankas are generally very lyrical from my understanding. It was definitely a collaborative effort, so I think that's where the strength of the poem is - the two styles meshing, and it may also be where the contradictory tone is based. I'm very glad you enjoyed it, though. :)
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:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner May 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Very nice! :clap:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner May 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank ya, Ms. Shanna! (:
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:iconthelunalily:
TheLunaLily Featured By Owner May 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome, Ms. Rachel! :)
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:iconmedoriko:
Medoriko Featured By Owner May 10, 2013  Student Writer
This piece has been featured here: [link]
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner May 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh goodness, thank you! (:
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:iconexquisiteoath:
exquisiteoath Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Student General Artist
*Who I like to Tanka with /Raises Eyebrow

Well, I've often wondered about you two, now I know... you're poets.
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:giggle: Don't tell anyone. :shh:

Thanks, man!
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:iconexquisiteoath:
exquisiteoath Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013  Student General Artist
Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ha! :D
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:iconriotsong:
RiotSong Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
friggin' classy. also it reminds me of the last 6 months of my life...every day, every week blends into the next...i have no idea what day it is LOL but anyway, i can see that your talents have not expired while i was away :)
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh yes. Me and that other broad are so classy.
Hahahaha...oh man, I feel ya. It sucks being a grown up and seems to get worse all the time. Where is our free time, man? :wtf: I can't even imagine being in school on top of my sched. You're a boss at juggling that jazz. And thankee very muchly!! :blushes:
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:iconriotsong:
RiotSong Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
haha always. and i dont get shifts at work because theyre jipping me LOL i have extra time to do hwk, otherwise i'd be up a creek
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ahhh yes, I suppose it sorta works out then. :/
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Mar 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
this is magnificent :heart: all the sections have the brief clarity and profundity a tanka needs. You two collab so well!
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well hello there, Ms. Maddie.
How kind of you to say that. :heart:
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:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
A gloomy little snapshot. I like it. :)
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank ya, dahhlin'. (:

(It'll soon be time for you and I to take a stab at collabing again, y'know.)
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:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013
I was just thinking the same thing myself.
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Gooooooood! I can't seem to do much on my own, lol. I need le help! (:
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:iconcrossing-ariel:
crossing-ariel Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013
I am always willing to offer you le help. hehehe.
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is why you are invaluable, my dahhhhling. :love:
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:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013   Writer
This is a beautiful collaboration. I love the whole thing so much -- I'm honestly speechless. It's so perfect; word choice, flow, rhythm, everything. This is truly a wonderful poem.
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! We went back and forth with it for a bit, so I'm really glad the effort shows. :heart:
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:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013   Writer
You're very welcome! It definitely shows. :heart:
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:iconbrassteeth:
brassteeth Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013
Great work ladies, reads like the first paragraph of one of those great Sam Spades detective novels, where the day always starts so hard. Great stuff.
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks very much! I'm not too familiar with Sam Spades, but that sounds like a fine compliment. (:
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:iconscatteredwords:
scatteredwords Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You never tanka with me. :cries:

P.S. This is lovely.
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:iconscatteredwords:
scatteredwords Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
P.S. I said lovely. I meant, I will beat someone down. :iconrawr-plz:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
We could mend that, y'know.
I'm all for having tanka with more than one girl.

P.S. You are.
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:iconscatteredwords:
scatteredwords Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
We keep saying we're going to write together. One of these days we'll actually do it, lol. :iconbatglompplz:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Mar 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm finding my wordies again, so I'mma send you something soooooooon. I swears it. (Hehehehee.....I love Batman.)
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:iconwordeea:
Wordeea Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:glomp:
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:icontherootcellar:
therootcellar Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013  Student Writer
holy what! this is a tanka? it's great, i wouldn't of even known it was all counted syllables and alla that. also, you guys make a good team. xo.
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:iconfuzzyhoser:
FuzzyHoser Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I reckon so. That's what the girl with the shoes is calling it. (: Thank ya, my dear! :blowkiss:
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:iconvespera:
vespera Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
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